Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Righting the ship

In the last few months I've been struggling quite a bit with being consistent in my daily routine of faith. I have pondered over the reasons for why it has been so difficult. I'm not claiming a crisis of faith or a lack of belief, I'm merely saying that I haven't felt a real need to engage in all the daily acts of faith that should accompany a life of devotion to God.

It will come as no surprise to anyone that my conclusion is that I simply need to be more grateful in recognizing the source of my blessings. Oh, I know all of that already and I recognize it readily, but I need to make that gratitude more deeply felt and more personally expressed. If others are struggling in the same way, this may or may not be an answer that fits your needs, but it works for me.

To that end I have also begun thinking about this blog. As originally intended I was planning on following the model set forth by President Eyring in his conference address ("O Remember, Remember" - General Conference, Oct. 2007), wherein this blog would be a record of how I had seen the hand of the Lord in my life or the life of my family. Initially it began that way but quickly morphed into a record of simple gratitude for things that were meaningful to me. I was pleased to be able to record those feelings, and I don't believe that a gratitude journal is anything other than a very good thing and a worthy endeavor, but for apparently wasn't enough.

For this blog to have meaning for me it needs to focus my attention and my thoughts in another direction. I need to not be simply grateful for what I have (although that helps), I need to actively seek out and recognize the moments when I receive blessings from the Lord in whatever form they take.

The explanation for why this is necessary in my life is fairly basic: I am independent. I don't like relying on the service or help of others, I feel like I can do it all myself using my own industry and intelligence. I don't like feeling that I need to rely on anyone else. Some might consider this a strength, but I have found that the more I swing over to the "independence" side of my personality, the less I like who I become. As I am able to allow the help and love of other people into my life, the opposite effect occurs and I enjoy who I have become.

It's a terrible catch 22: be myself, and feel strong but unhappy, or reject my innate tendencies and feel vulnerable but happy.

So, while my posts may not be consistent yet in frequency, I will be dedicating them to be more consistent thematically, and hopefully I can return to being a less independent, but happier, individual.

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