The wisdom of others

This past weekend was General Conference for the LDS church. It was excellent as always to listen to the general authorities, apostles and first presidency address us. You can learn quite a bit listening to them if you are paying attention. I'm formulating some more extensive thoughts about some aspects of events surrounding GC, but for now I would simply like to express my gratitude for the careful thought and inspiration that is dedicated by so many wise and learned men as they prepare their messages for us. I have learned much (as I always do) and am grateful for the opportunity to learn more.

Remembering the past

After reading recent posts, it shouldn't be hard to figure out that I've been feeling not quite up to par spiritually for some time now. However, quite unexpectedly, this blog has provided me with a rather clear manifestation of the workings of God in my life.

Last week my sister Laura sent me an e-mail. It seems she was preparing for a lesson she was going to teach in Relief Society about temple work. She had read some of the posts on this blog and remembered a short tribute I wrote to my Grandpa Miller. She wanted me to send her the link to my blog so she could find that post as I had expressed some of the feelings and memories that we apparently shared, but felt that I had expressed them in a way that she could not. I forwarded her the link and didn't really think much of it. 

Fast forward about a week, and this morning my mom called and wanted to thank me for writing the post. She was in tears as she recounted how grateful she was for what I had written and how grateful she was to now know, because she had never realized before, how great an impact her father had on my life.

What in the heck was going on here? I remember having written the post, but didn't remember much about the specific content - it simply cannot have been that good. So, it was time to find the post and re-read it. It turns out it was the first post I wrote for this blog, and you know what? It was pretty good. More importantly, it meant something to me again. Re-reading the post I was able to remember why I wrote it and what I felt when I wrote it and to feel again those same memories that mean so much to me. I could instantly feel and see the hand of the Lord - he knew my struggles, knew my weakness and helped to transport my mind back to times of strength. He had brought back precious memories of strong examples of faith and service and remembered experiences of joyful relationships strengthened by shared love of the Lord. 

Living in the immediate present can be wonderful at times: paying attention and being mindful of what is around you and those you love, but the past can be a powerful tool and we forget it at our peril. I am grateful to the Lord for the gift of the Spirit which can "bring all things to your remembrance" (John 14:26) and has brought these precious memories and feelings back to my heart.

Righting the ship

In the last few months I've been struggling quite a bit with being consistent in my daily routine of faith. I have pondered over the reasons for why it has been so difficult. I'm not claiming a crisis of faith or a lack of belief, I'm merely saying that I haven't felt a real need to engage in all the daily acts of faith that should accompany a life of devotion to God.

It will come as no surprise to anyone that my conclusion is that I simply need to be more grateful in recognizing the source of my blessings. Oh, I know all of that already and I recognize it readily, but I need to make that gratitude more deeply felt and more personally expressed. If others are struggling in the same way, this may or may not be an answer that fits your needs, but it works for me.

To that end I have also begun thinking about this blog. As originally intended I was planning on following the model set forth by President Eyring in his conference address ("O Remember, Remember" - General Conference, Oct. 2007), wherein this blog would be a record of how I had seen the hand of the Lord in my life or the life of my family. Initially it began that way but quickly morphed into a record of simple gratitude for things that were meaningful to me. I was pleased to be able to record those feelings, and I don't believe that a gratitude journal is anything other than a very good thing and a worthy endeavor, but for me....it apparently wasn't enough.

For this blog to have meaning for me it needs to focus my attention and my thoughts in another direction. I need to not be simply grateful for what I have (although that helps), I need to actively seek out and recognize the moments when I receive blessings from the Lord in whatever form they take.

The explanation for why this is necessary in my life is fairly basic: I am independent. I don't like relying on the service or help of others, I feel like I can do it all myself using my own industry and intelligence. I don't like feeling that I need to rely on anyone else. Some might consider this a strength, but I have found that the more I swing over to the "independence" side of my personality, the less I like who I become. As I am able to allow the help and love of other people into my life, the opposite effect occurs and I enjoy who I have become.

It's a terrible catch 22: be myself, and feel strong but unhappy, or reject my innate tendencies and feel vulnerable but happy.

So, while my posts may not be consistent yet in frequency, I will be dedicating them to be more consistent thematically, and hopefully I can return to being a less independent, but happier, individual.

Great weekend

Jared and I had the opportunity to take Caleb up to Utah this past weekend to General Conference and to tour around the church sites there. It was such a fun weekend. Jared and Caleb were able to go to the Priesthood session of G.C. on Saturday night with Brad, Noah and cousin Jared. They had a wonderful time and I think it was really neat for Caleb to be in the conference center with 21,000 men and boys listening to the prophet and apostles. On Sunday, Jared, Caleb and I were able to go to the afternoon session of conference. I loved being there and especially feeling the strong spirit as the audience went completely silent in under 2 minutes as the prophet walked into the conference center to begin the session. How wonderful it is to be gathered with so many other saints and know that we all have the same goal of trying to be like Jesus and learning how to together. I find it interesting that after having this wonderful experience over the weekend, I come home and have to read such negative things about some things that were said by my prophet. I respect everyone's right to choose to believe what they want and to find their own journey in life. I feel as if I am a kind, tolerant person, but sometimes it is hard to not feel hurt and want to lash out by things that are said - especially by someone that until only recently believed as I did. Now, this blog is for the opportunity to express my gratefulness, not to complain about things I really don't understand. So, with all this being said, I am truly grateful for a living prophet. I know that even though I struggle, I can follow his guidance and council and find more peace and happiness than the world could ever give me. I know that as I continue to struggle through my life and through the challenges that I face each day, I can turn to a loving Heavenly Father and feel comforted and feel peace and find direction. Looking to worldly things will never bring me the happiness and joy and peace that following the Gospel of Jesus Christ can bring. I will not let Satan lead me astray.

Place to ponder

I find that when I really need somewhere to go and think and be alone, I end up at Samantha's grave. It gives me peace, quiet and I feel close to her and the spirit there. I went there today and wrote in my journal and pondered the things I need to change in my life and what direction I wanted my life to go. I did not come home with all the answers - which I usually don't, but I came home with a feeling of gratitude that I have this special place to go to. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who allows me to still feel close to my daughter when I really need it. That is such a huge blessing in my life.

Consistency is the thing

Okay, so, I haven't been doing so well with being consistent on this blog. I know I want it to be a daily thing for me, and I know that it should be a daily thing, I just have difficulty some days in finding the willpower to sit down and get it done.

My life is full of unnecessary habits. Better described as "things I do that take away from other things that should be a priority and make me a better person." Habits that are easy and entertaining, but ultimately unfulfilling. This is, or course, the worst place to be. Not really doing anything wrong which would trigger a more drastic reaction, just a bunch of little things that are easy to live with that take up time.

So, with the little pity party I've just written, what could I find in my life that I can be thankful for? Therein lies the heart of the problem: I get so caught up in ignoring the things that matter that I have difficulty recognizing the real blessings that operate in my life.

I will not print any meaningless resolutions or heady revelations or promises. Instead, I will simply say that I am grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who still blesses me with a spirit of kindness and awareness of who I am. I still know that this is not who I am, and that I can get back to a state of clarity and happiness. I'm grateful that I still have the ability to change and the knowledge that I can.

Good Friends

Just waiting to go out with my great friend - Tiffany. She is moving to Utah in the next couple of days and I am extremely sad. I hate that she is going, but I know this is what is best for her family. I hate saying goodbye to my friends. I don't do it well. I wish I never had too. 3 years ago, I had to say goodbye to Alisha and it took me a long time to get over that. So, I assume it will take me a long time to get over Tiffany going. But, having said all of that, I am so grateful for wonderful friends that teach me, listen to me, share in my life and love me for who I am. Alisha and Tiffany have blessed my life in so many ways over the past 6-8 years. They have laughed with me, cried with me, counsiled me, served me and generally loved me. I have learned how to be a better friend, wife, mother, and person because of their examples. I will never forget them in my life and I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing of associating with them. Good luck in your new adventure Tiffany. I will miss you terribly, but am so happy that you have gotten what you truly want and deserve!

Recognition is nice

While on a business call today I had someone give me some very solid but unexpected recognition. I had worked on a project that was somewhat unusual and had to really work hard to get even minor ideas of mine passed through. The perception from many was that my influence and effect on the project was minimal. 

However, in the call today we were re-visiting the project and my partner basically said that my efforts were largely underestimated and that they were critical to their success and something that they all found invaluable. 

It was unexpected, and came at just the time when I needed it to boost my mood and morale. 

A little inspiration

Today my wife left for Las Vegas to help out her sister do some painting and decorating of her house. She took Sabrina with her which left me with my two boys. This could have been a bad idea.

For those that aren't aware, my son Gavin and I have our issues. He is a loving and very intelligent child, but he has some obsessive compulsive issues that create a lot of stress in our relationship. I don't understand how he makes decisions or how he interprets the input from his environment, and often his reactions seem specifically targeted to drive me to the maximum level of crazy. Usually Marci is there to act as a buffer for me - when I reach maximum level of frustration, I can turn it over to Marci and she can take over while I cool off.

Needless to say, with Marci being gone for several days I was not looking forward to managing Gavin on my own.

However, tonight...it wasn't so bad. I had to take him with me to drop Caleb off at church for YM and then I needed to drop by Costco to grab a few things. Early on I got the impression that I should try really hard to just let Gavin be himself and not worry too much about it. As we went around Gavin continued to act in ways that would normally have driven me insane...nothing bad, just doing things that I usually consider annoying to others or unwise in public places...but I was ready to let that all slide by and just let it go. It was a surprisingly easy evening.

I'm not sure if I'd be able to manage that kind of zen every time we go out, and I had never even tried before, but it seemed to work out. Now if I can only figure out how to have the same kind of calm when there are things that are urgent or required and the resulting fallout when trying to get Gavin to go along.

The example of others

Today I have been thinking about the example of others. 

On Saturday we went to Brother (!) Killian's farm to do a photo shoot for a gal for her senior pictures. We were having fun and moving around to various locations when suddenly Bro. Killian comes out of his house in his bare feet and hands my wife a huge 9x14 tray of cinnamon rolls. No reason - he just knew we were there and wanted to give them to us. 

It might sound like a silly experience, and something quite random and small - but it is also an example of a man who has spent a lifetime learning how to be generous and kind. He just wanted to be generous and didn't hesitate to be so. He has been a marvelous example for me in many ways and it was a blessing for me to be a recipient of his personal generosity.

So...that is the end goal. To have a lifetime of serving and generosity and kindness and then to pass that along to others by way of example. That's not a bad life at all.

Amazing Man

I am so grateful for an amazing husband that indulges me in many ways and truly wants to see me happy. As Jared has mentioned in a previous post, I have been doing some work on our house. It is something that I love to do and yet, it always costs lots of money. So, when I have extra to spend (which is not often) I want to make changes to our house. Some of these projects I can do myself, but most of them I need his help with. He does not sign on for these project, but he willingly will help me. I know he sometimes grumbles inside when I start something new in anticipation of having to change his plans for a Saturday to help me finish a project, but he always makes those changes and helps me out. It is something that makes me love him even more and helps me appreciate how good he is to me. He is such a good man and I am truly blessed to have him as my husband. Thank you for giving up working out, going hiking, or just doing something that you enjoy more so that you can help me out and make me happy. All of your efforts do not go unnoticed. I love you!!

Completing projects

Every once in a while my wife decides to re-do our house. This winter/spring was one of those times. She has re-painted Sabrina's room, our room and our bathroom. She has gotten new carpet for our room and the two kids rooms. She has put a frame around our bathroom mirror, installed a new light fixture, a new towel rod and 2 new shelves in the toilet room. She has purchased new nightstands and a "bench" for our bed. We have been living in a wreck of a house for weeks now. Thankfully, today, the carpet was finally installed and we have returned most of our house back to normal.

Today, I am grateful that the number of projects we have been working on has now been reduced significantly, and the only thing we have left to do is paint the cabinets in both bathrooms (a task we will be paying someone else to do), and then paint the kid's bathroom.

The end is in sight, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Another Sunday in the books

I'm not quite sure what to be thankful for today. The day was, generally, just like any other Sabbath day...full of all that is good in life. Nothing really remarkable for me stood out, just a general sense of rightness and goodness. It is a blessing to be able to have a ward that we enjoy so much, and it is a blessing to be in a position to serve all of the fine members here. 

Seems like that's plenty of blessings to be thankful for right there.

An understanding wife

I love to hike. I really do. I've spoken about it plenty before so this is nothing new. What may be somewhat unusual to know is that I feel guilty as heck every time I go. I feel guilty for leaving my wife behind and for not doing the many other things that could and should be done on a Saturday. It's one of the reasons I don't go as often as I'd like and it is the primary reason why I don't go camping very often (if at all). When I'm gone I miss soccer games for my daughter, getting things done around the house and the yard. There are often church activities that are going on that I feel somehow that I should be attending (especially as a member of the bishopric).

As much as I love it, it is still hard sometimes for me to leave and be gone all day.

I am now hiking with my son Caleb and occasionally with Gavin so the time should be more valuable to me and I should feel less guilt for leaving other concerns to wait for my return. I guess I just have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Besides, I love hanging out with my wife, so leaving her is the hardest thing to do.

However, I my wife also understands this and tries very hard to make me not feel so guilty. She knows I don't go every Saturday, and she knows I don't go year round (summer is a lousy time to hike in the desert). So, she indulges me in the hiking season and tries to be as understanding as possible and when I start to express how I don't feel like I "should" go, she is quick to point out that she is okay with it.

Thank you dear for valuing my love for hiking and finding ways to help me enjoy it more - even if I feel a bit guilty for leaving.

My children - and my daughter in particular today

Today was Sabrina's 7th birthday. It would be a huge oversight if I didn't recognize the hand of the Lord in my life by giving me a daughter who teaches me so much humility and love. She is the light of our home (as everyone will agree) and our little princess. She brings joy and fun wherever she goes and smiles just follow her around. She is truly a blessing for me and my family.

Being an answer to someone else's prayer

Tonight I went to an activity for the Young Women of our ward. They were holding their "New Beginnings" program where they introduce all the YW that will be turning 12 this year into the program. It's very fun and quite cool to see how interested the older girls are in making the younger ones feel welcome and special.

As soon as I walked through the door into the room where everybody was seated Sis. Barrus immediately looked at me and said "Oh, Bro. McLain! Thank goodness you're here! This is an answer to my prayers!" She was having some technical difficulties with her computer and a projector, and was trying desperately to figure out the problem, she was praying silently that she could get some kind of inspiration or help so that she could carry out her presentation as she had planned it. When she saw me, she knew that I had done some tech work with her in the past and she was confident that I could fix her problem. I could and everything turned out okay. Afterwards she thanked me again and shared with me how grateful she was for not just my help tonight, but for all the help I have provided in the past.

It isn't often when you get someone telling you "You're an answer to my prayers!" as soon as you show your face, but tonight was one of those times and I'm grateful that I was able not only to be there to help, but that I had the knowledge and skill to provide the help needed. I'm also grateful for Sis. Barrus and her quiet faith and strength.

Kids who still get excited

For the last few days I've actually been noticing it a lot more, but I love the fact that my kids still get excited to talk to me and are excited to give hugs or do any little thing with me. I haven't really taken notice of it quite so much until recently, and I'm not sure why it has come to my attention quite so sharply, but I can say that I now recognize it as a tremendous blessing, and one that might be fleeting, so I'm grateful that I do recognize it as something special while it still lasts.

Small, but significant

The whole story is rather long and complex, but I will shorthand it here a bit. After 3 years of actively trying I  finally managed to get a reservation for Philmont. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been a smooth path. This year timing was everything and nothing seemed to be going the way we needed it in order to have a successful outing from the Stake to get to Philmont. Leadership change was our biggest problem with a change in the stake presidency causing the most difficulty. Nevertheless, we have forged ahead (myself and the stake YM president, Lyndon Smith) and acted as effectively as we could under the constraints we were given. 

We got the final authorization to go ahead with the trek a little over a week ago, but we had a payment of $100 due to Philmont by this Thursday in order to keep our reservation. We were only able to get the barest of communications out, mostly by e-mail, to try and get as many boys and leaders on board as we could. It looked like it would only be semi successful. After speaking with Pres. Smith about it we decided we needed to ask Philmont for more time if we were going to be more successful. So, today I called Philmont to plead our case. All we wanted was 2 more weeks to get the word out a little better. Philmont actually offered to give us until April 1st to get our payment in. 

This is an unbelievable blessing. We now have the time to get a little more organized and really reach out to the boys in the stake and try to get them interested in the adventure. I'm extremely grateful that we now have the opportunity to do what we have been wanting to do and get in front of boys and parents and to really talk to them about the Philmont experience.

I will post at some time in the future about how utterly beside myself with excitement I am for the blessing of being able to go there at all, but for now, I'm just ecstatic that I get the chance to share what a wonderful experience it will be for the boys (and leaders) and get as many on board as possible.

A good Sabbath day

On Sundays, occasionally there is no need to be grateful for anything other than it being the Sabbath and all that goes along with it being a blessing. Today was one of those days. I always draw strength and renewal during the Sabbath, but today felt particularly good, and was particularly necessary for me.

Some days you fund the blessings and the hand of the Lord right where you are supposed to find them.

A day of work

Today was a bit of a long day. Soccer game for Sabrina at 8:00, then working in the house. Installed a new faucet in the kitchen, finished painting the master bedroom and bathroom. Installed a new light fixture and towel bar...and then a very short "date night" with Marci that consisted of going to the gym to relax in the spa, In-N-Out burger and watching TV for an hour.

Woo. Hoo.

However, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize all the blessings in my life that have allowed me to have the physical strength and stamina to do a long day of work like that. Not even a year ago that kind of work would have meant some serious downtime due to back and shoulder issues. Now, I'm able to score massive brownie points with the wife and help her with a very extensive and difficult "to do" list around the house.

For anyone that has ever suffered from chronic pain of any sort, you realize what a tremendous blessing it is to be relatively pain free, and how grateful you can feel for the blessing of being able to work.